Festivals are where lifetime memories are made. Standing in the middle of a big crowd with your closest mates watching your favourite bands without a care in the world. Sounds good, doesn’t it? Well have you ever wondered how it feels to be on the opposite side of that line? How it feels to be a member of the event staff trying to keep everything in order? Not great would be your initial guess, but I can imagine there is a certain joy or amusement in seeing heavily intoxicated drunks make a fool of themselves.
That is exactly where this blogs inspiration comes from. So with that said, here we bring you eventful events: 10 festival funnies for you to laugh at. Enjoy the read and remember, the next time you’re at one of these weekends, try and retain a degree of sensibility or you could be included in a part two!
1
Eventful Events: What’s Up With That Guy?
“At Oswego I remember being near one of the open field areas (maybe in a buffer area between the campgrounds and the main stage?), and seeing one poor guy flailing about with no shirt on, beet red sunburned torso. The notable thing was that he was surrounded by like five mounted police, horses and all, who seemed to be casually containing this poor dude. We kept walking but were all mystified about what kind of trip he was having, rolling about on a field of grass at eye level with all of those horse’s mouths and nostrils.”
2
Eventful Events: The Maze
“Not me but my friend. At Magnaball he was all spun out on night one walking around the festival grounds late at night. So he goes to walk back to our camp and he gets to the gate and the security people are all like “Sir! Step right this way sir!” They were directing him and others with flashlights and kept shining them in their eyes and pointing the way. So they direct him down this alley of those big metal gates they use to control the flow of people “Sir! this way sir!” shining their lights in his eyes and pointing the way.
So he goes down this alley takes a right, they keep directing him. He goes down and takes a right, then another right and another right. He’s starts thinking “This is kind of a weird way out of here.” Until he get’s to a dead end and starts to freak out. Then all the security guards start laughing at him and the other spunions. They had turned the gates into a maze to fuck with all of the spun out people. They opened it up and let him go.”
3
Eventful Events: I Am The Devil
“A couple years ago, I was at a festival in Missouri called Schwagstock. This year there was a particularly bad batch of LSD going around that they dubbed to be “research chemicals.” At the last light of the day, a guy in our campsite (we had a big group from my hometown), who had unknowingly partaken in the research chemicals instead of clean LSD, completely lost his mind. He started running around the fire and screaming at the top of his lungs, ” I AM THE DEVIL!” Then, he leapt into the fire, wildly stomping his feet in the coals still screaming, “I AM THE DEVIL!” We all are screaming back at him to get the hell out of there, you could already smell his burning flesh.
I remember this part the clearest, he looks in my direction (not at me specifically) and I see in his face the moment he realizes what the heck is happening. He begins screeching and leaps out of the fire and makes for the near-by stream. I’m guessing that he was in so much shock that he didn’t realize the pieces of flesh dripping off his legs as he ran. The paramedics heard the commotion and got to our campsite within a minute or two. He had to be airlifted to a burn center unit in St. Louis. But, I’ll never forget that look, that smell, and those screams which didn’t cease until they closed the helicopter door.”
4
Eventful Events: Dirty Intruder
“At camp bisco 2007 we caught a very strange man doing a number two in my buddies tent, figured the tent was a lost cause so we pulled the poles and collapsed it with said strange man still inside. It was pretty hilarious watching him struggle to get out of that poo filled collapsed tent, def worth the lost tent.”
5
Eventful Events: She’s Getting Grounded
“I met a woman in the festival medical centre who had been working at the theatre stage. She had gone to get her water bottle but picked up her daughter’s bag by mistake. There was a half-full bottle of Fanta in it, so being hot and thirsty, she drank that. Shortly after, she began to feel most peculiar. She thought she was having a stroke, and was dashed to the medical tent. The doctors told her she wasn’t having a stroke – she was on ecstacy. High as a kite, she was dashing round the waiting area. The poor woman was telling all and sundry: “I’m 49, I’m on E!” She was having a lovely time, but I’d like to have been a fly on the wall when she came down and had a word with her daughter about the contents of that Fanta bottle.”
6
Eventful Events: Radiohead Are Sh*t
“It was at one of the muddy Glastonburys. I’d lost my friends and I was cold, hungry and desperately trying to see Radiohead. I was climbing a hill in the pitch black for a better view when there was a massive suction pull on my foot. To my horror my beloved Converse disappeared in the mud. I managed to hop around for a while squealing when an old hippie appeared out of the dark, reached down into the mud, pulled out my trainer and handed it to me. “Radiohead are shit,” he said then walked away.”
7
Eventful Events: Dental Moulds
“At Wakarusa 2012, the people that we camped next to wore onesies quite a bit. The guy was trying to get his girlfriend pregnant AT WAKARUSA (constantly going to the tent and rustling around). He had a box full of random shit he busted out when we were tripping. Out of nowhere he pulls dental moulds of his ex-wife out and gave them to my friend to keep. Nice people, unique experience.”
8
Eventful Events: King Of The Hill
“I was at a concert once where a number of rowdy individuals chose to climb up on pile of large speakers off to the side of the stage, and then play king of the hill from the top. One bouncer noticed and started ripping them off one by one. He eventually got to one shirtless guy who he grabbed by the leg. As if it was a natural defense mechanism, the shirtless man immediately turned and projectile vomited directly into the bouncers face. The bouncer lifted his hands to shield himself, which caused him to fall back into the crowd, crushing those he had just torn down from the speakers. The shirtless man then ascended back to the summit of the speakers and pounded his chest like a triumphant gorilla.”
9
Eventful Events: Poo Girl
Charlotte Taylor lost her handbag down the bog.
“As I got up to leave I swung my body round to open the door. My handbag slipped off my arm and disappeared down the toilet. It had my phone, ticket and all my money in so if I left it I would have been stranded. I had both my hands down the toilet. I was straining so far down that I got wedged. My shoulders were stuck on both sides and I couldn’t move at all. I knew I couldn’t get out myself and was so embarrassed.”
She had to be rescued by a team of firefighters. Poor girl.
10
Eventful Events: The Wellie Thief
“Some absolute rotter – some unconscionable gremlin, some little tinker – stole my wellies in the middle of a mud bath at Glastonbury. So I bought a pint and a plate of delicious duck confit and reconvened to the lovely bar next door. It was a sanctuary of cushions and sofas in the midst of the squalor. Punters were requested to leave their wellies at the edge of the bar and pad across the pristine carpet. This oasis seemed to float above the mud. Yet when time came for Stormzy’s set, I realised with dawning horror that my wellies were not where I had left them and were nowhere to be seen.
Panicking, I stumbled, in my socks, into the mud at the edge of bar and frantically searched for them. But they were, presumably, snugly nestling the evil feet of whatever fucking Brexit voter took them. After about 15 minutes of sloshing up and down like Swamp Thing, I asked a random bloke if I could borrow his pair and walk to buy some new ones. He agreed to do so only if I gave him my phone as insurance. Not to harsh Glastonbury’s vibe, but I hope something vaguely unpleasant happens to that man.”
Some hilarious stories there for you to read and get seriously excited for this years festival season. Just remember: don’t take drugs, don’t trust security and ALWAYS keep an eye on your wellies! No matter where you go this year it is sure to be a blast, just remember to respect the volunteers (especially if they are wearing our PPE!). If you want to browse the event range that inspired this blog then please click HERE. If you want to read more crazy festival stories then please click HERE. Thankyou for taking the time to read this weeks blog. We hope you enjoyed and we hope to see you in the next one!